The Grind of Healing

I need some sort of a mantra or perhaps a set of them.  Healing from a surgery is always difficult for me at this stage.  I'm past the initial couple of weeks, when to be honest, I think adreneline sort of kicks in and helps you get through.  But this stage is sort of flat.  I'm still dealing with post-op pain, can't figure out how to sleep with my "new" neck, ie with the fusion of C4-C5 and that's been more of an adjustment than I would have thought.  To be honest, everything happened so quickly with the surgeries that I wasn't really prepared for the recovery period and what to expect.  So, I've yet to hit a time when I'm feeling really good, though I've been trying to put on a good face for most people.  I think Steven really knows I'm having a difficult time, though we've not talked too much.  He gave up literally his entire month in January just so I could get medical treatment and I know he's "medicaled out" so I've tried not to make tons of conversation about it, though it's almost impossible to avoid the topic.  So, I'm back to the mantras, something I can recite to myself to get me through the times when I'm feeling depressed or drained or in pain or all of the above.  Something to get me through this recovery time and on to the next phase, which will be 3-6 weeks away.  I don't know what I want to be doing, seems like something other than what I am, though.  I'm trying to remember that the most important thing I can do right now is to allow my body to heal as much as possible and recover from the surgeries.

I want to say both to myself and anyone else who reads this that despite my complaining and struggling through this time, I'm SO incredibly grateful that I was able to have the surgeries!  I know that it was literally a miracle that it all happened and I have had SO many people praying and physically working on my behalf to make those surgeries happen (special thanks to Anne, my dr and Sheila, part of her team, without whose epic amount of work, those surgeries wouldn't have happened).  I've been wondering lately if over my life I've done things for other people that in the Universal flow of things somehow have come round to bless me with so many wonderful people who have been willing to help me, or if I have years and years ahead of finding ways to pay back good things to others for all that's been done for me.  I hope, to be honest, that it's some of both...though I have no idea at this point how I could do that.  But those thoughts need to be saved for a later time in order to preserve current emotions which have been a bit internally volatile (understatement).

So back to my mantras.  What could those be?  I will get through this.  I will heal from these surgeries.  This healing period will pass. It's just a few more weeks.  It's OK to feel emotionally variable through this time.  The pain will ease.  My body will acclimate to the new changes that have been made in my body.  These changes will be good and will help.  My TBM has been more manageable for the past couple of weeks.  My HA isn't better yet, but we have time and the new meds on our side to try to help that.  It will be interesting to see how the Diamox will help with the Intracranial Hypertension which may help the HA.  I have friends and family who are helping and supporting me through this time.  With my drs' help, we'll figure out how to deal with the nightly horrendous, gut wrenching, waking up in tears nightmares that happen EVERY night.  And somehow, with their help, we'll figure out how to get that better.

I guess that's enough pressure let out of me for now and maybe a few good thoughts to hang onto in the midst of this lull that's hard to get through.  Problem is, no matter how much help I have, it's still me that has to live out every minute of every day and that's a daunting prospect.  But I'll do my best to not look ahead to that and just focus on now and let the future be just that...the future.

Deep breath, and sigh.

Good night.  I really hope it is one. :)

Life after untethering - 6 days post op

Symptoms are changing around from day to day, which I expected but the surgical pain in still very much present.  I forget I can't do simple things like pull up my underwear in the bathroom, which is why, I suppose they invented the infamous "sexy" johnny hospital gowns.  They're not the most comfortable things in the world but they are functional.

I try to spend a little time up on my feet (with help, as I find I'm a little wobbly with the meds...) to get my "sea legs" back.  This is the tightest my back has felt in my entire life!  Funny, you un-tether the spinal cord so it's finally NOT under strain...and my lower back feels really tight.  It's just the surgery itself.  I know it will get better and resume it's hypermobile self in time.

I'm a little scared as I've had a few coughing spells today.  So far, still better than before but it hurts SO badly to cough because of the cervical discectomy that was done that it's miserable.  I can't imagine the pain if I couldn't stop the coughing!  I have moments when the ringing in my ears stop and for the first time in my life I hear - silence.  But I also have times when it comes back so I'm trying to remind myself that this is a major process of my body rearranging the nerves and relearning what it's like to live without the spinal strain and brainstem compression.  I think it's going to take several months for things to "refind" their way but the time will pass.

I had some issue with one of my ears bleeding after surgery and it's been "popping" strangely today but since this is mostly a place to write down some of the weird symptoms as they happen, just to keep a record, I figure it's worth mentioning.

Keeping fingers crossed that the meds allow me to sleep tonight. :)

A Very Different Set of Resolutions

As 2010 comes to a close, and 2011 dawns, I find myself as I do every year contemplating resolutions that I'd like to make for this new year.  But this year, my resolutions are quite different than in years past. This year, the overall goal is peace. Seeking that peace, searching for it and finding a balance in it is my overall goal. But to achieve this, I have some specific things that I want to aim for as I endeavor to make this peace a reality in my life.

I want to "be" more and "do" less. I want to accept more and judge less.  I want to love more and strive less.  I want to communicate more and assume less.  I want to be content with simplicity, and be satisfied with less.  I want to be able to express myself in ways that make me understood.  I want to let go of perfectionism and allow what is to be enough. I want to turn my thinking and the unhealthy thought patterns that have been ingrained for years upside down and accept and explore the person that I am. I want to give myself permission to be authentic with everyone, regardless of the outcome. I want to learn to be gentle with myself, kind to myself, and as understanding with myself as I try to be with those that I love.  I've missed something important throughout my life and it's a very simple but difficult concept to actually put into practice on a day-to-day basis.  There's so much in the statement, "love your neighbor as yourself". First of all, I need to put that in 21st-century context. To me, that means I should love my family (itentional or origin), my friends, my community, those people I share my life with as I love myself. But the truth is, I've spent the greater portion of my life disliking and at times hating myself so that has to hamper my ability to love those around me if I can't love myself. I'd like to make peace with myself this year. So that's why, in this strange way, my New Year's resolutions are as much about "doing" less and "being" more.  Maybe, if I can learn to treat myself differently, to treat myself gently, I can come to understand what it means, and find the value in myself "human being", rather than a "human doing".