Symptoms are changing around from day to day, which I expected but the surgical pain in still very much present. I forget I can't do simple things like pull up my underwear in the bathroom, which is why, I suppose they invented the infamous "sexy" johnny hospital gowns. They're not the most comfortable things in the world but they are functional.
I try to spend a little time up on my feet (with help, as I find I'm a little wobbly with the meds...) to get my "sea legs" back. This is the tightest my back has felt in my entire life! Funny, you un-tether the spinal cord so it's finally NOT under strain...and my lower back feels really tight. It's just the surgery itself. I know it will get better and resume it's hypermobile self in time.
I'm a little scared as I've had a few coughing spells today. So far, still better than before but it hurts SO badly to cough because of the cervical discectomy that was done that it's miserable. I can't imagine the pain if I couldn't stop the coughing! I have moments when the ringing in my ears stop and for the first time in my life I hear - silence. But I also have times when it comes back so I'm trying to remind myself that this is a major process of my body rearranging the nerves and relearning what it's like to live without the spinal strain and brainstem compression. I think it's going to take several months for things to "refind" their way but the time will pass.
I had some issue with one of my ears bleeding after surgery and it's been "popping" strangely today but since this is mostly a place to write down some of the weird symptoms as they happen, just to keep a record, I figure it's worth mentioning.
Keeping fingers crossed that the meds allow me to sleep tonight. :)
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
A Very Different Set of Resolutions
As 2010 comes to a close, and 2011 dawns, I find myself as I do every year contemplating resolutions that I'd like to make for this new year. But this year, my resolutions are quite different than in years past. This year, the overall goal is peace. Seeking that peace, searching for it and finding a balance in it is my overall goal. But to achieve this, I have some specific things that I want to aim for as I endeavor to make this peace a reality in my life.
I want to "be" more and "do" less. I want to accept more and judge less. I want to love more and strive less. I want to communicate more and assume less. I want to be content with simplicity, and be satisfied with less. I want to be able to express myself in ways that make me understood. I want to let go of perfectionism and allow what is to be enough. I want to turn my thinking and the unhealthy thought patterns that have been ingrained for years upside down and accept and explore the person that I am. I want to give myself permission to be authentic with everyone, regardless of the outcome. I want to learn to be gentle with myself, kind to myself, and as understanding with myself as I try to be with those that I love. I've missed something important throughout my life and it's a very simple but difficult concept to actually put into practice on a day-to-day basis. There's so much in the statement, "love your neighbor as yourself". First of all, I need to put that in 21st-century context. To me, that means I should love my family (itentional or origin), my friends, my community, those people I share my life with as I love myself. But the truth is, I've spent the greater portion of my life disliking and at times hating myself so that has to hamper my ability to love those around me if I can't love myself. I'd like to make peace with myself this year. So that's why, in this strange way, my New Year's resolutions are as much about "doing" less and "being" more. Maybe, if I can learn to treat myself differently, to treat myself gently, I can come to understand what it means, and find the value in myself "human being", rather than a "human doing".
I want to "be" more and "do" less. I want to accept more and judge less. I want to love more and strive less. I want to communicate more and assume less. I want to be content with simplicity, and be satisfied with less. I want to be able to express myself in ways that make me understood. I want to let go of perfectionism and allow what is to be enough. I want to turn my thinking and the unhealthy thought patterns that have been ingrained for years upside down and accept and explore the person that I am. I want to give myself permission to be authentic with everyone, regardless of the outcome. I want to learn to be gentle with myself, kind to myself, and as understanding with myself as I try to be with those that I love. I've missed something important throughout my life and it's a very simple but difficult concept to actually put into practice on a day-to-day basis. There's so much in the statement, "love your neighbor as yourself". First of all, I need to put that in 21st-century context. To me, that means I should love my family (itentional or origin), my friends, my community, those people I share my life with as I love myself. But the truth is, I've spent the greater portion of my life disliking and at times hating myself so that has to hamper my ability to love those around me if I can't love myself. I'd like to make peace with myself this year. So that's why, in this strange way, my New Year's resolutions are as much about "doing" less and "being" more. Maybe, if I can learn to treat myself differently, to treat myself gently, I can come to understand what it means, and find the value in myself "human being", rather than a "human doing".
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